Parish to Observe Fourth of July on Old Calendar

Parish to Observe Fourth of July on Old Calendar
July, 2008

Dear Parish Members,

As I’m sure you know, the Fourth of July always falls during the Apostles’ Fast for those of us who observe the Old Style Calendar.

Bishop Vladikos made it clear at this year’s clergy retreat that he has gotten tired of getting requests for dispensations for eating meat and whooping it up on the Fourth of July. In the past, he had allowed it to be a wine and oil day, but, he said, “Your parishioners have turned it into a whine and oil day with all their complaining!”

This year the Church of All Saints of Southern North Carolina will observe the Fourth of July on the Old Calendar. We believe this will provide everyone with the opportunity to both observe the fast and appreciate this great American holiday. While it is true that the Declaration of Independence was signed on July 4 in Philadelphia, it was not until July 17 that news reached our beloved county here in Southern North Carolina.

We have invited our friends from St. Barsanuphius Church to the feast, who will also appreciate this opportunity as the Fourth of July falls on a Friday on the New Calendar. We should be careful not to try convincing them to switch back to the Old Calendar since, after all, we buy their used Christmas decorations for a very low price every year.

This year, we are delighted to announce that veggie dogs marinated in olive oil and white wine will not be on the menu.

Also, we are delighted that we can roast marshmallows with actual milk chocolate this year. Please, however, do not publish any photographs of the marshmallows on the Web site as Bishop Vladikos has been doubtful of their appropriateness at previous picnics – he says they’re certainly Lenten, but he doesn’t think we should have something that’s not actually food at a feast.

We will enforce a couple of rules strictly:

Contrary to what you may have heard, there will be no tofu toss.

Any and all fireworks involving Batushka’s censer are still forbidden.

Sincerely,
Vladimir Smith, Parish Council President

This report was filed by Onion Dome guest reporter Thomas Ruthford.